My mom – Kelly (pictured left in boa) – is one special lady. Not only did she raise me, but she gave birth to me too. I know I joke a lot, but I am so serious when I say my mom is better than yours. She’s been a loyal supporter of this blog since day one, which is the adult equivalent of hanging one of my shitty drawings on the fridge and just leaving it there until I’m well into my teens. I’m not going to bore you with a post that rattles off the ways my mom is special, because that’s what Instagram is for, right? I will say that I feel beyond lucky to have her in my life. Today is her 56th birthday, which is crazy because she looks 35-40 depending on the lighting. My mom is so good looking I had to remove pictures of us on my dating app profiles for fear of guys using me to get to her and I really wish I was joking. So what better way to celebrate my number one fan on her birthday than a post all about her?
When I was in the second grade I got lice and my mom let me watch Clueless while she picked 300 lice out of my hair. #thatsmymom
My mom is a sweet person with a kind and gentle heart, but when her kids are disobedient assholes, a darker side emerges. The first memory I have of my mom losing her shit on me was in 1996. Per usual, my brother and I were blatantly ignoring her direction to get ready for school. “Get ready for school, now!” is probably what she said. We didn’t budge because we were heavily invested in the episode of Arthur where Arthur and Muffy have their birthday parties on the same day, but neither can change it. Anyway, while we continued to watch, my mom went upstairs and considered her next move. I imagine she looked in the mirror and said something like “I’m gonna throw this goddamn hairbrush” because a moment later she came rearing around the corner, her eyes boiling with rage, and she threw that hairbrush straight to the ground. My brother and I glanced away from the TV at our mother, except it wasn’t our mother, it was a monster with nice hair. We got ready and went to school without saying a word. That is the first memory of my mom getting angry at me and for some reason it’s one of my favorite memories of her. Or maybe I just can’t forget it?
My mom got cornrows on a family vacation in the Bahamas. She looked good. #thatsmymom
My dad doesn’t know the difference between a skirt and a dress and he can’t draw for shit. That’s why I can confidently attribute all my creativity to my mom. One of the many ways she demonstrates her creativity is every year, she puts together a calendar for both sides of the family. That’s 24 pages, hundreds of photos, and at least 60 snappy phrases. In addition to being an absolute beast at Shutterfly, Kelly is also an accomplished toaster. I’m talking about the toasts at weddings. If she likes you she’ll write you a poem. If she really likes you – a poem with personal references and rhyming and tempo and she’ll do her best to recite it without notes. That’s like half the reason why I want to get married. I know that toast is going to be unforgettable. Kelly also has a knack for all things design and DIY. A lot of the furniture in our house was bought second-hand from garage sales or even on the side of the road. She’d spot a storage chest on our way to a soccer game and go WOW, THAT’S A NICE CHEST! Then she’d take that chest home, remove the dead body, give it a fresh paint job and some new hinges, and now it stores our blankets. My mom made our house into a home all on her own. Hire someone to paint? Fogettaboutit. Move furniture? Move out of her way because she’s doing it her own damn self and this armoire is heavy.
Yeah, my mom had a “midlife crisis.” She bought a drumset and said she wanted to learn how to play. Now she’s the backup drummer for Tool. #thatsmymom
There are one million real estate agents working in the North Shore and my mom is one of them. She’s one of the best, too. It seems like every time I talk to her she’s doing something work-related – she’s on her way to a listing, she’s meeting with clients, she’s showing a house at 2pm a Sunday. And if she’s not with clients you can bet your ass she’s posting fresh content on her social media pages. My mom was never intimidated by social media like her baby boomer generation because like I mentioned earlier, she’s self-sufficient. Unlike my dad (no offense dad), my mom understands how social media works. I think I’ve explained hashtags to him one hundred times. My mom figured them out on her own and incorporates them into all her posts. Below is an example of her effectively using hashtags.
Can we also take a moment to acknowledge the fact that she had a salon employee take this “candid” photo of her? If she keeps this up, she’ll be an influencer by summer.
One time my mom called off her engagement to another man so she could date my dad. #thatsmymom
My mom is the most selfless person I know. She would do anything for her family and friends, but her acquaintances can kindly fuck off. Okay, in all seriousness, my mom goes out of her way to make you feel special and loved, and if she knows a friend is in pain, she’s right there beside them to offer comforting words and a shoulder to cry on. She’s also generous with her time and money. I’ve never seen her tip less than 20%, which is a problem now because everywhere you go there’s an option to tip. All the specialty coffee shops have the fancy iPads that rotate around like they’re better than the other iPads and they all use a POS system that give the option to tip as high as 25% at the end of the transaction. So now good people like my mom are paying $10 for a cup of coffee.
My mom has driven thousands of miles for me. She shuttled me and my teammates to soccer practice/games, and tournaments in weird suburbs where soccer is life. One time she drove me to a golf tournament all the way in Iowa and I came in second-to-last place in front of a girl who had to drop out of the tournament because her grandpa died. Before I could drive my own ass to the mall, guess who drove me there and bought me ugly clothes I said I had to have? Kelly did! Kelly has done so much for me and my brothers, and nothing I write will ever adequately express how much she means to me. Happy Birthday to my favorite person, my goofy, smart, beautiful mom, Kelly! XOXO